Do you ever hate it when someone sees you as something you aren't? Or how about when only one person in the world can see you? I'm so lucky to have found someone that sees me as I am...I never realized until now how precious that is. This past week or so, it sort of struck home for me. Maybe I'm such a guarded person...is that it? Am I just so guarded I put up a shield and only the most in tune people or...people most attached and wanting to be attached to me can get through? Mandy was that type of person. She was so determined to be with me, that she punched through my walls and forced me to be who I really was inside...loving, so so loving, and emotional and caring. I've become so much more in tune with my emotions since being with her, and I have her to thank. I love her so much I find myself crying from the sheer amount of devotion and connection I feel with her when we make love.
I thought that being with her would erase the memories I had of never being fully seen. I guess...they sort of were brought back.
I've waited long enough to divulge certain happenings within my life. I also think that it's come to the point where I see it as it is. I'm not poly, Mandy and I are not in a menage a trois with a guy. We both thought we needed something in our lives that we really didn't, that happened to include a guy. It's a rapidly dissolving mess and Mandy and I are now closer than we ever imagined.
I tried to force myself into a situation because I was...curious. Starved for a certain type of comfort, needed strength. I think now though, it's this odd sort of determination that...I need to make due with me and the strength that I have, and the strength that I can draw from my true, ultimate friends. (Loki, this shit is for you....you've been there when no one else has, seen me for who I really am before anyone else did, for SO long. I honestly...don't know how my life would be without you. I'll defend you to the utter end because we've seen the bad and the good of each other and accept all.)
I don't want to try and let anyone else in, I see that now...because no one wants to be let in. No one really really wants to know me, see me, love me....besides Mandy. I would honestly do ANYTHING for her. And by anything, I mean........ANYTHING. I'd torture myself. I've live THROUGH torture. Or die by torture, if it meant she'd be happy.
So...........I'm going to stand back and let Mandy have him. Because I really tested him, I mean...really. I cast spells for everyone's happiness, for love and understanding and equality. And tonight.....tonight I saw. He sees Mandy as I see Mandy. And he sees me as every other goddamn fucking person has.
I'm meant to only be me for one person: Mandy.
God, I love you.
