this is war.

2009-09-18T10:17:00.002-04:00

i had a dream right before my waking hours. i was in an outlet mall in the bcbg section. except, all it was was rows upon rows of gothic rock shoes. i was in a dark heaven. even if none of it was real.

2009-09-15T05:46:00.002-04:00

So lately, I've been getting a huge craving to just shop. Not the, 'oh, I need this piece!', but the full-out shopping spree til you drop kind.

I try to assuage it by wish-listing. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I will pull up sites and look for stores around this barren area. (btw...no Forever 21...ugh) And come up with outfits in my head that I need or want to wear.

Last night I kept myself up with fantasizing about what to wear to apply for Hot Topic. I think that I worry and plan too much for jobs. But really...in this horrible economy, what else can you do? I need a job, period. So I research for them. Still don't have one. :/

My outfit to apply is based on the whole minimalist model thing I'm into right now. Plain white tee tucked into a smooth black pencil skirt. Accessories are a turquoise belt, homemade chain necklace. Large black bag, studded ankle boots. Smoky eyes, pale lips and skin, uber curled and puffed straightened hair.

I'm digging it. Of course that can be mixed up with skinny pants (love em) for an outfit also. I want high waisted ones, too. Ooo.

Sigh. Need. Job. So. Have. Clothes.

2008-12-14T09:06:00.000-05:00

Red/Black Retro by Asfridr

I had a dream about that outfit. I'm totally getting it.

2008-12-04T00:09:00.004-05:00

Hi, my name is Addiction and I am a Food.

First off, let me say that nothing is more addictive and easy to spend money on than food. Many times I wonder if it would matter if we didn't have those little taste buds on our tongues or couldn't feel the texture of the food we were chewing. I'm sure smell has something to do with appetite, too...so let's take away that, also. Without those senses, would it matter what we ate? Oh, besides being good for us or tummy grumbles if it isn't cooked right...what if we all just ate health shakes of all the main ingredients and things our body needs to survive from the moment we were born...would we have cravings then?

Food is an important part of our society because it is one of the main things that all human beings need (which means other people can make money off of it). Because of smell, taste buds, and our delicate human reactions to texture, we can be quite a picky lot. Everyone needs good, healthy food to function properly. One could say that they kind of food we eat depends on what level of society we are in.

If you are below the poverty threshold, chances are you are eating cheap fast food and value mart canned goods (and you haven't known anything else but). Your lives are shorter because the food you ingest is not even really food, it's commercialized by-product. Can you afford better? No.

If you're lower to upper middle class, you've probably gone out to fast food places quite a bit, too. But you also eat in, and have the luxury of not only having the CHOICE to eat healthy, but the choice to eat better, also. Chances are you look down on poverty-level or lower lower middle class overweight people with disdain and judgment.

The wealthy, forget about it. These people are in shape and healthy because they can afford to be. Perfect bodies? A poverty-levels healthy meal-plan for a year in money spent on trainers and other things. These people can eat whatever they want and never ever face the consequences.

So...food can be addictive because it's the one thing that we can indulge in and feel good about ourselves. A middle-class family can eat at an expensive restaurant and feel a bit more wealthy. Food is important because to us it signifies our social status in life. If we eat good and without restraint, we feel better about ourselves. If we are penny pinching, we eat worse and look worse.

Food, my addiction...I crave thee.

2008-10-26T00:10:00.002-04:00

Today...felt good. I mean, I'm not really in my element right now, but I am in a really good mood [despite my impending headache and my freeezing feet...yikes]. I'm surrounded by a sea of red: red hoodies, red jackets/blazers, red bags, red sweaters, red beanies and caps. It's the Ohio football psychos out in force. It's like one big huge fanatic Conservative American idiot convention in town.

I'm wearing my dark turqoise Vera Wang wool hat, hair in longer pigtails than I've ever had, doubled up black scarf, black sweater jacket, a vintage Kurt Cobain t-shirt, checkered skirt that barely hits the top of my thighs, gray tights, gray legwarmers, and cute black flats with silk bows on top of them. I feel AMAZING. My makeup is so cute...I shaded some old black eyeliner for a smokey effect. I've got my customary bubbly pink lip gloss on. Oh, yeahhhh.

And I feel even better about the outfit I picked up tonight at Plato's Closet. [They had SO many cute dresses and clothes that I wanted badly.] It's a blue sweater dress. I wanted these adorable bright yellow heels to wear with it, but we did not have the funds. :( Pooh. They would have looked fabulous.

After we bought some things, we headed to our favourite bookstore: Borders in Dublin. I spent most of my time reading Nina Garcia's eyeopening The Little Black Book of Style, followed by this very intriguing article in Nylon on Paris Hilton. I love Borders' new apple cider drink. Yummmm.

We followed that by heading to Cup O Joe where I sit now. Ew@Ohio football fans, once again.

Headacheee. And here is Mandy trying to rush me out half an hour early again. SIGH.

2008-10-21T13:29:00.000-04:00

dis·ap·point·ed [dis-uh-poin-tid]
–adjective

1. depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations: a disappointed suitor.
2. Obsolete. inadequately appointed; ill-equipped.

2008-10-17T10:25:00.003-04:00

Last night a jabbing pain on the left side of my chest woke me up. Before I go on, I should tell you all that even though I'm adopted and I know near to nothing about my biological family, I do know some of the medical things just in case. To supplement that, the only thing in my biological family that was any health concern was that my Uncle had a heart attack at 21.

I suppose that's always been at the back of my mind, ever since I realized that I'm really not in good shape and I'm rather unhealthy. I obviously know that I'm not as unhealthy as a lot of Americans, but I do know that I have that family history of being susceptible to being unhealthy. There are things I could do now, of course, but honestly a lot of the conditioning and horrible effects on my body happened in my younger years. To this day, I am so honestly...I don't know, sad/mad/disappointed in my adoptive parents for raising me the way they did. My bone structure is extremely tiny and fragile, I'm very petite, biologically...both my parents were shorter people and extremely small (mom - 5'1"-5'2"@110, dad - medium height@120) ... I know that without how I was raised I would be my ideal weight right now. I have no illusions whatsoever that the eating patterns my adoptive parents established earlier are probably to blame for a lot of my stomach problems that I struggle with now, along with the weight problems and health problems. I was an average, very active child. From pictures you can see that my body really did fight what they were trying to do with it. I had an amazing metabolism back then. (I'd like to bring up Drew and compare us. He is much larger than I ever was at his age. I was actually an extremely sprite-like child.) Sure, I had a little bit of baby fat, but that honestly would have come off. By the way, I wasn't lazy at all - I played softball and basketball, I swam and did baton, honestly...I loved sports and being active until the tolls of the unhealthy environment I was raised in took me down...all it took was an opportunity - and that would be when my mind took me into the depression of my middle school years. Elementary was my best years.

This morning I was so scared. I woke up with pains, my body starting getting numb, tingles everywhere, heat flashes, blackouts, and my left arm hurting like crazy. Honestly, I freaked out. I didn't know what it is, and the only thing that could go through my mind was that my uncle had had a heart attack at my age. I cried for a good while after waking Mandy up, and she patiently sat with me and puzzled it all out, comforting me and allaying my fears. I went and took two aspirin and slept like a baby once they set in. I know what is was - horrible pains from my boobs. ;.;

Still, it really shot an arrow through my heart. I'm still going to be sitting here moping and crying about my past unless I really go and do something and reverse what they did. It's not a question of whether it'd be nice to - it's I need to. I really, really don't want to wake up one morning and really being having a heart attack. I refuse to.

2008-10-14T11:45:00.004-04:00

Something feels different about today. I'm not sure what, I mean...I'm still slightly freaking out about getting jobs and money, but....today feels a lot more promise-full. It's a different type of feeling than I've ever encountered, and I really don't know how to describe it.

Maybe it's that this morning I told Jim Mandy was getting an iPhone and I was getting a Blackberry Storm. And it was so...certain. I felt it come out of my mouth like it was happening tomorrow. And then...I realized that today felt different.

I'm still waiting for a call to see if I've gotten a job at this import game store. But really, I'm not more afraid to get a call saying I won't get it than just impatient to know if I have or haven't...so I can find a different job. And inside me...I know I can find one. I haven't had that sort of certainty in a while.

2008-10-13T14:27:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I'm afraid to voice my hopes. I don't know if it's something that you gain the older you get, this odd jaded outlook on life. You know, I would always hear that children or kids or even those that were just a little naive or innocent could see the world differently. That people older were too stuck in their ways to stop, to enjoy life, to see the possibilities. And it wasn't until lately that I realized...I didn't understand that before. I had been a child, reveling in what could be. Somewhere I lost it, in these three years. I "grew up"...and I honestly don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

The point where you realize your childhood and your innocence is gone is when you start to settle. You give up your dreams for something more "realistic" or "practical". Does your life suck so much only because you let it get to you, or are you just destined to come to that realization that it does?

2008-10-05T07:05:00.001-04:00

Why are people so rude and uncaring?

It semi-restored my faith in humanity when Mandy's friend asked her to dinner and presumed that I was coming along, too. "...your wife and you..." Seriously, that warms me up. That there are people that know manners and understand. :]

Some of what happened yesterday still hurts. I cried a bit and I still feel like crying. I don't know how there are people so distant and hurtful like that...it makes me want to stay far far away. I'm a generally nice and forgiving person, but...not this time.

If you want to know what happened, it's mainly that someone invited Mandy out to hang (specifically saying no me, which is hurtful enough)...but they also went against Mandy's wishes and fixed her a whole meal. I love seeing Mandy eat, I know she's just as starving as I am. That doesn't mean it hurts any less that I paced for 5 hours here, not eating...and her friend knew full well our situation and flagrantly disregarded it. How do mean and spiteful people like that exist?

2008-10-02T20:54:00.001-04:00

I hate privileged yuppie-types. Did I tell you how much I hate yuppies? Yeah.

One thing I don't get, ok...I can kind of understand it, but...relationships are different. The closer the bond, the more different it is from other relationships. It's my view that you should share everything with your partner. Sometimes, old friends can come by and they think in their brains that somehow their friend is still the same after being in a relationship so deep that you do share everything. They expect that they can just waltz in after years of NOT being your friend and resume giggle-fest '99 gossip central and glare at the partner of their old friend. WTF?? The worst part is when your partner condones it since they're "such old friends".

I've noticed that couples that are lesbian, or face criticism a lot, or have gone through horrible circumstances, are the closest. A lot of people can't accept that level of commitment and love in their heads because they've never felt it and never will.

People get your heads out of your asses and your noses out of things they seriously don't belong in and go back, yeah, shoo!, to your yuppie caves.

2008-09-26T22:41:00.000-04:00

It feels so good to be back here at Cup O' Joe. I've got Pandora on a Ludwig van Beethoven channel blasting loudly, the smell of the steaming Ginseng Peppermint tea we bought is wafting to my nostrils in comforting waves, and I'm once again back in familiar and comfortable atmospheres.

I don't know why I can't write at Jim's - whether it's the stifling vibes [which we could have made because we believed our situation to be trapping us], the fact that I have to sit in a freaking kitchen to be on my computer, or just the very fact of our situation - I just can't do it for some reason.

But here...my hands are in seventh heaven. I'm writing and I'm describing and I'm just flowing like I haven't in a long long while. It's freeing.

Today Mandy and I were heading out to the Easton Barnes and Noble...ick. But for some reason, Mandy turns to me in the car right before starting it and asks me right out of nowhere in a querilous tone, "Do you want to go to the Lennox?". I don't really know where she got this idea in her head, but we needed it like a fish on land needs to be back in the sea.

I desperately am craving a muffin and a nice hot foamy drink from a coffee shop, sitting down with it, reading and typing a bit. I'm determined that my place will have only the most tempting and delicious baked goods. Nothing consumer-laden like even my favourite coffee shops have. I'll have regular and addicted customers coming in for small chat and a croissant with a caffeine laden drink before going in to the work grind. I'll have students and artsy young adults packed into my comfy little nooks and crannies, gaining appreciation for the freshly made with love coffees and cookies in their hands. Our expectations for service and atmosphere will rise so much when I'm able to open up my shop.

I've come to realize that even if I have a billion dollars I still want to give back to people. I want to show them what they're missing, sitting back and letting anyone just relax...

If I don't stop here I'll keep on blabbing. That could be a good or bad thing. xD Sometimes I just have so much to talk about don't know where to start, so I don't. I get overwhelmed.

365 Days

2008-09-25T17:10:00.000-04:00

Two days ago I decided to do the 365 Day challenge that I found on Flickr.

I'm going to quote how they describe it for anyone that doesn't know:

The Challenge: Take one self portrait each day for a year.

I really took to this idea because I love photography so much. I'm a self-professed camera whore. In recent months I've realized that I need to be challenged artistically to get out of the rut that I was finding myself in. To have this personal challenge to take a picture, a GOOD picture [because I'm a perfectionist], every day for 365 days...I feel that this will help me expand my horizons. I definitely need something like this.

The One

2008-09-23T15:15:00.000-04:00

This morning when I woke up, I found myself thinking about how desperately I wanted to send my consciousness back in time and plant it in a past me. I decided I'd go back to my Junior year, so I had time to say things to people I lost in my life after that. There are so many things I would have done differently, to free myself from the future that I now feel so trapped in.

I can't help but wonder that by so fervently thinking this, wanting to go back and do all these things over, if I haven't already done it. Created some amazing parallel time-line where it's all perfect. I don't know whether to be happy for the alternate me, or insanely jealous. Maybe I'll Jet Li it and kill all my others so I can be the One.

2008-07-18T03:57:00.000-04:00

Symphony X - Evolution (The Grand Design)

Mandy and I just returned from trying to venture out to McDonald's in a quest for my current cheapest craving: McDonald's chicken nuggets. I blame Chris for it all after suggesting them the other night and letting my mind dwell on eating some. ;.; So we went out with $3 in coins jingling in our pockets to the closest McD's. I couldn't get any because their computers were down...Mandy ended up getting a cinnamon roll for us to split at Tim Horton's on our way home.

I have so much to do tonight...mostly to get ready for my interview today at 12:30. As the time goes on I get more nervous. I need to take a shower, wash my clothes for it (I'm wearing the brown dress, beige lace tank, and brown Steve Madden heels), and then straighten my hair. I've been researching the place that I have an interview at (Francesca's Collections) and it seems like an absolutely awesome place. It was started by a very cute artsy redhead...;p

After the interview, Mandy and I are hanging out with her ex and her friends. I think after....maybe Mandy is doing that during, too. I'll have to ask her. ^^

2008-07-17T09:25:00.000-04:00

Music Listened To While Blogging:
Imperative Reaction - Only In My Mind
Suicide Commando - Face Of Death
Funker Vogt - Gunman
Iris - Annie, Would I Lie To You?
Imperative Reaction - Diminish Me
Front Line Assembly - Social Enemy

I haven't blogged in a while. It's probably the combination of several things: fatigue, malnourishment, depression, lack of inspiration. Last night I received a request to blog once again from a person I would probably call a close friend (though I'm not sure if he would agree...and that's maybe just me).

I'm sitting here on Jim's couch, laptop in lap, feet propped up on our shoe box. Every few seconds I get distracted by the music I'm listening to. For some reason it's so much more engaging this morning. I'm wishing I could just have a room, a speaker system to play this music so it could fill all my senses and I could just live it. I want to close my eyes and dance.

My sense of smell has heightened while we've subsisted on our current diet of rice and pasta. I've lost serious weight. I'll feel my skin and I remind myself of Jame Gumb's victims in Silence of the Lambs, starving in the well so their skin is loose enough to be perfect for flaying off of their bodies. Is it bad that I like it?

I slept for hours today and I'm still tired. I didn't get the cuddling I wanted so much...I'm still craving them. I think it's the feeling of safety, I'm craving the sensation of warmth and protection surrounding me. With another woman, it's different. It's more like empathy, and you both sort of wallow in your self-pity together. With a man, it's about comfort in a more anthropological sense. He's the man, and he's there to save you...and you can definitely feel it in the vibe. So maybe that's what I've been wanting so much lately. On the topic of him and smells, with our heightened sense of it, everything we own has been permeated by him. Everything smells like him now, it's like he's still here.

I've been conversing with this guy on MSN lately. I'm honestly stuck at what to do. He has a very good and tempting offer, but honestly I'm afraid I'd feel trapped in it. Obligated. I want to feel free, and be able to do what I want in life, and not be tied down in so many ways. The money is amazing, the opportunity astounding...I just don't know.

I feel really blank to a lot of happenings lately. Oddly...empty. I think I'm blocking it all, like I'm walking in a fog and reality is just out there but I've got the fog so tightly wrapped around me. I'm so, so disappointed about not being able to see Uzume. I'm trying as hard as I can to not think about it so I don't just break down and cry. I feel weak.

2008-07-06T06:03:00.000-04:00

Do you ever hate it when someone sees you as something you aren't? Or how about when only one person in the world can see you? I'm so lucky to have found someone that sees me as I am...I never realized until now how precious that is. This past week or so, it sort of struck home for me. Maybe I'm such a guarded person...is that it? Am I just so guarded I put up a shield and only the most in tune people or...people most attached and wanting to be attached to me can get through? Mandy was that type of person. She was so determined to be with me, that she punched through my walls and forced me to be who I really was inside...loving, so so loving, and emotional and caring. I've become so much more in tune with my emotions since being with her, and I have her to thank. I love her so much I find myself crying from the sheer amount of devotion and connection I feel with her when we make love.

I thought that being with her would erase the memories I had of never being fully seen. I guess...they sort of were brought back.

I've waited long enough to divulge certain happenings within my life. I also think that it's come to the point where I see it as it is. I'm not poly, Mandy and I are not in a menage a trois with a guy. We both thought we needed something in our lives that we really didn't, that happened to include a guy. It's a rapidly dissolving mess and Mandy and I are now closer than we ever imagined.

I tried to force myself into a situation because I was...curious. Starved for a certain type of comfort, needed strength. I think now though, it's this odd sort of determination that...I need to make due with me and the strength that I have, and the strength that I can draw from my true, ultimate friends. (Loki, this shit is for you....you've been there when no one else has, seen me for who I really am before anyone else did, for SO long. I honestly...don't know how my life would be without you. I'll defend you to the utter end because we've seen the bad and the good of each other and accept all.)

I don't want to try and let anyone else in, I see that now...because no one wants to be let in. No one really really wants to know me, see me, love me....besides Mandy. I would honestly do ANYTHING for her. And by anything, I mean........ANYTHING. I'd torture myself. I've live THROUGH torture. Or die by torture, if it meant she'd be happy.

So...........I'm going to stand back and let Mandy have him. Because I really tested him, I mean...really. I cast spells for everyone's happiness, for love and understanding and equality. And tonight.....tonight I saw. He sees Mandy as I see Mandy. And he sees me as every other goddamn fucking person has.

I'm meant to only be me for one person: Mandy.

God, I love you.

2008-06-30T20:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know if anyone else has gone through this...an almost constant feeling of this horrible depression and sadness. I wonder if people that have seen relationships crumble around them feel this. Your eyes and jaw tremble, you fight the tears that threaten you every day, every minute...the clenching of your teeth, the waver in your voice, pushing your head up higher in defiance of letting go and crying for the sixth day in a row.

The tension is thick, there's no breathing no air, it's either too hot or too cold. Uncomfortable and stifling, or so so alone. You're left with this moldy biscuit because no one else will give you what you need. It's a feast and they don't want to share because they just might need that food later, right?

Every out, every imagined peace...it's always killed.

I just want to understand why I have to feel this way.

2008-06-12T07:50:00.000-04:00

Today is my first day of The Lemonade Diet. I started it for a couple of reasons: losing weight (mainly for NY), being able to subsist on something cheap and filling (and healthy), getting healthy and feeling more energized.

The lemonade sort of tastes like the Green Tea Mandy always gets. If I think to much about it, it tastes like sour maple syrup. I'm a little hesitant to do the Lemon tea or the salt water flush...for reasons of Jim being around all the time. T.T

I really am hoping I feel more energetic...I've been so tired yet restless at the same time lately. Like, right now...I can barely keep my eyes open with a full nights sleep.

2008-06-10T07:16:00.001-04:00

Restless.

Making Money Online

2008-05-29T03:04:00.000-04:00

So I decided to do the whole earning online money thing. Mandy and I need extra money and I'm sure as hell not going to be getting it from any job anytime soon. I don't want to starve, and I want - with extreme determination - to get out of here.

I tried several sites, and I now am signed up for and have been trying out all day 3 sites (that are now bookmarked so I never forget to visit them every day):

CashCrate:

You basically sign up, complete these realllly long surveys and overs and what-not and get paid pretty good amounts. My suggestion before doing it is set up an alternate email for all these so you don't get hit by SPAM. Also, download an autofill program, because typing and filling out all the forms gets boring pretty quickly. Other than that, basically sit back and get money. It's a good revenue, well, if you can get referrals. More on that later.

TakeTheGlobe & Bux.to:

Basically the same format of site, they are both places where you sign up, get a ridiculously small amount of a fraction of a penny for viewing a limited number of ads per whenever-they-put-them-up. Not great for "I want money and I want it now" people but over time, this would pay. Also utilize referrals like crazy.

Ok, so, referrals. Basically you can make ok money if you DON'T refer people but you can make insane money if you do. I'm talking, like, $1k checks. All you have to do is post your referral link. It's up to the individual person to click it, sign up, and make their own money. So people, click referral links if you want money! You'll be helping someone else in the same way your own referrals will be helping you, with no skin off your back - in fact, you'll be benefiting!

If you want to help me earn money, and check out these sites yourself (and get money, let's not forget that!) just click on the links.

We'll see how this works. :3

2008-05-27T20:29:00.001-04:00

Today marked the first day of my weight loss summer program. (lol) I bought celery, grapes, apples, carrots, diet tea, yogurt and whole grain cereal (1% milk). My goal is to snack on at least a little bit of each every day so that I am never hungry, always full. And full of the good nutritious stuff. I ate a bowl of cereal today (no sugar) and have so far eaten a delicious red apple and some vanilla yogurt (which was also very good). I'm really optimistic about all this because, well, it's food I really like...and I'm never going hungry. I'm not saying I won't be tempted to eat the greasy hamburger (actually, I was more tempted by the turkey, provolone and parmesan bread sandwich Mandy made today) but at least I'll be less tempted. I'm hoping this is a really good plan. I'll also be exercising every day (I started out with 10 sit-ups and 20 jumping jacks. I may put in running/walking at some point), which I already did for today.

Honestly, I'm excited. And I'm proud of myself for finally cracking down on it. The whole eating unhealthy thing was really getting to me. I'm ready to act and do it.

2008-05-26T12:10:00.001-04:00

There's something about being someplace other than where you sleep, laptop in tow and headphones streaming Pandora into your ears.

It's a hot, steamy day. I thought I'd be ok with a jacket, but once I stepped out onto the patio I felt the first warm blast of what was Summer. I shrugged the long hooded black jacket off my shoulders and onto my arm. Later, I found out that even if it had been sub-zero temperature outside I wouldn't have been wearing the jacket. Dolce, our ever-adorable, ever-mischievous (the little shit that he is) had left a nice teenage bunny size pee stain on the bottom.

Once in the car I shook my head to clear it of the horrible cobwebs from my brain, (lack of sleep will do that to you) I picked up a pad of paper and a pen and jotted down a shopping list. Eat healthy and cheap - check. I'm trying to lose weight this summer, and get as healthy as I can. That means some apples, celery, and fish. Plus, we also need to save as much money as possible for this coming NYC trip.

We got to Easton and I quickly took a seat at table near Kitty (one of Mandy's friends, and I suppose subsequently, mine) and took right to talking about life, economy, and how with this particular economy there IS no life. Also, how the Netherlands is (the) Paradise. Capital P and THE. We exchanged talks about insurance and health care, the best online illegal pharmacies and making a run for the border.

She raised a good question: What freedoms do US Citizens have left? After much debate, we finally realized...none. She's lucky as she is "grabbing on to for dear life" her dual citizenship (England) partner. They're planning on as soon as she finishes school heading over to live in England. She's lucky, I only wish Mandy and I had that opportunity. We have to figure out a way with more devious means. (Any European men out there, please marry me. ;p PLEASE.)

I'm hoping above hoping that our current plans work. Knowing us it'll take a lot to get out of Columbus and our current situation. But really, there is no future for us here. No jobs, nothing for us. We are planning to trek a little bit on the US map and find a better place economically. As we discussed, the higher the rent, the better the job opportunities.

I like sitting here and typing. It feels right, the fluid movement of my fingers over the silent keyboard. I can't do this while at Jim's apartment, I feel so stifled. Maybe it's his cat, in heat and meowing. Or how I've been lectured too many times about not typing loudly. I just don't know what it is, but I love being someplace out around people and writing. It's inspiring to me.

2008-05-26T11:31:00.000-04:00

I can't wait to walk instead of drive.
I can't wait to immerse myself in more opportunities.
I can't wait for the onslaught of culture.
I can't wait to be so lost I can find myself.

I'm really looking forward to this, and I think we can do it.

2008-05-23T02:56:00.000-04:00

I've been playing wayyyyyy too much WoW lately. But I love it. Perfecting the best character since my Main, Zannah. And he's going GREAT.

A Warlock, of course.

Lokean.

2008-05-20T00:48:00.000-04:00

Starting again is a really hard thing to do. I think it comes with this sort of push, an almost constant feeling of pressure to do something. You think, oh it'd be cool to do this or that...but you don't do it until it just pops. And when you do, that uncomfortable feeling is gone. But it takes a huge amount to get you to do something sometimes.

Well, this is my pop.

I'm an anime nerd. ;p

2008-04-11T19:23:00.000-04:00

Well I told you guys last blog entry that I was just beginning to download Code Geass. Well I did - and I'm gobbling up the episodes as fast as I can. You know an anime is good when you are aree downloading them while you are watching them. I'm currently on Episode 10 - 82.5%, oh god! - and WOW. You guys, this is a super anime. Probably on my top anime list. I think one of my top ones would have to be Trinity Blood. But I feel a lot more relatable to the characters on Geass than on TB. There's this cat that just cracks me up. ;p

you gotta get with my friends

2008-04-10T16:24:00.001-04:00

Well I went to Orientation the other night. Sigh. Seriously, I felt so exhausted that night, and I still do...that I don't know if I can really recount what happened. Basically, I had to stay for a very long time=serious back and feet hurts. But it was nice working at the same job as Mandy, I liked being able to see her.

I bumbled so much at Orientation, though. I was late, I didn't bring my SS card, I forgot my zip and phone number, and my driver's license is obviously expired. I don't know how to explain to this one idiotic woman that I was homeless for a long time and even now am living in a closet...:/ She scheduled me for computer training (which I don't need) tonight, but I'm not going to show. I told her specifically that I can't come in if Mandy isn't working, and all the other supervisors know that, too...it's her problem that she can't listen to this or get it through her thick skull.

I feel like all I've been doing is bitching lately in this blog. That's not something I've wanted to do, but I guess that happens when you're constantly stressed about things.

This is just a random note, but...usually past friends of your significant other are supposed to at least try and get on your good side, right? Let's please not state specifically that you will not have anything to do with your "friend"s' SO of over 2 years and then act buddy buddy with your "friend" in a public place. Yeah? I'd like to say in a public place myself that I really really find that rude and will in no way condone or tolerate anyone I go out (let alone am engaged/married to AHEM) with to have a friend that snubs me like that.

Back to downloading Code Geass (which is this cool anime where in the future the British empire invades Japan), reading some online romance fiction, and chilling to my homey Johannes Brahms. Ah, classical. : )

I can't even send things to other countries.

2008-04-07T14:19:00.000-04:00

Today was a quest of grueling proportions. I'm actually almost too tired to tell about it.

It's Uzume's birthday on Wednesday, and Mandy and I picked her up a bunch of cute stuff. We figured it would be a quick go to an office-type store and easy Fed Ex. Not so. For our tiny not even 1lb package it would cost us $80 for absolutely NO RUSH Fed Exing. Yippee. What the fuck?

Well that took a LONG time, so we Mapquested a nearby post office. Do not let the quaint little shops make you think different - this is an area of town where the OLD reside (feeble, hunched men and women hobbling around on canes), who are mailing their life's worth of mail today. Wary be the young with things to actually do.

I have come to the conclusion - now, anyone who works at one feel free to put yourself on the 'exclusion' list - that all employees of the US Postal Service are middle aged rejects of every other job. They seem to walk around and greet weary travelers wishing to send correspondence to others with the attitude that their job is on par with cleaning up shit. 'Oh, you don't know how to do that? You came here and waited in line for forty minutes to get my help? Well TOO BAD. I shovel shit for a living so I don't care, even though I get paid more than all of you. It's a hard job, it is. -slowly moves random packaging around-'

I hate post offices, I really do. They are one of the most unhelpful, stupid, slow, idiotic, cold places to go.

No wonder email took off. Is there a paypal for packages, too?

2008-04-05T09:06:00.000-04:00

Stress does weird things to you.

I've been really stressed lately. It's not like, I'm going through such a stressful time...I don't know. Mandy has these awesome temp jobs she's really enjoying, and getting a lot of money from. We have a good nest egg so far, not spending too much. She has a permanent part time job and so do I.

But I guess I feel like things are just looming, ya know? I go to Orientation for the Kohl's job on Tuesday of next week. I think of it and get butterflies in my stomach.

Another is that stress is causing me to break out in weird rashes, and those rashes are making me stress, so the stress is causing more stress. And crazy bitchy/crying times. Of course, that's probably since I'm PMSing. Which is causing MORE stress! YAY.

And on top of all that, Jim, the guy that is letting us hole up in his closet, has a major problem with something that is integral to me. Typing. He can't STAND my typing, supposedly. It makes him fly into prissy bitch rages where he stomps everywhere, throws things, and says "Fuck!" a lot. I'm so sick of it. Please, bitch. Take your whining elsewhere. Yesterday I was forced to put away my desktop - which houses all my games and art and pictures - and exiled to the closet. THANKS.

Can we stress me out more?

/rant

We need our own apartment.

2008-04-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

I just found out that one of the influential writers of my teen years is finally back writing again.

When I was a teenager, books and the library were my haven. I can't tell you how many times I scanned those two large bookshelves stacked with books labeled, "Fantasy" and a cute little blue unicorn. If it hadn't been for the fantasy section, for the library, for books...I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would go to the library at least 2 or 3 times a week. Gobble up books like candy. I'd take home at least 9+ books, and have already finished 3 by bedtime. (Which was usually 5am in the morning, because I couldn't put the books down.) The most notable time that stands out to me is when I found L.J. Smith. I can't describe how completely captivating her books were. Sure, they were teen books. Still are. But something about them, the way she wrote, it really inspired me. To this day I want to see her write a book about her dragons.

For some reason, years ago...she stopped writing. She came out with a wonderful book, and nothing more. No continuation of one of her best series'. I wasn't sure what happened...a lot of her books don't have many printings, so trust me...it's hard to get them all. (I managed to devour all her books, though, through sheer need! ;p)

I still wondered about her, every once in a while.

Today I was reading a piece of fiction on fictionpress, and noticed an extreme resemblance to one of her book series. The author even stated that her books were an inspiration. That prompted me to look her up - and lo and behold...February of 2oo8, she states...she's writing again! I read some of the blog entries...it seems all those years, she was fighting to keep her brother and mother alive and just couldn't write. I understand that, but I am so happy to see that she is writing again! It's wonderful. I feel the need to create a collection out of her books now, to read them all and enjoy them and immerse myself in her world once again.

Here's to the books and authors that made me who I am today, who freed me: L.J. Smith and Mercedes Lackey.

2008-03-31T16:02:00.000-04:00

Did I mention that I got my hands on this cute little adorable red wireless mouse? Yeah, it's awesome. But I mostly got it because Dolce kept eating the cords to all the NON-wireless mouses I acquired. Le sigh.

Been thinking lately of dipping into some creative Flash/Actionscript/ whatever for the domain/website I keep talking about but never end up doing. Wrote down a bunch of code and ideas I might use. Hmm. I always seem to be most inspired at Barnes and Noble but I can't ever seem to actually have a practical use for it. I get home, I either don't have the resources for what I want to do or I don't have the mental and physical umph to do it. Maybe it's because Jim's is so...dreary. And uncomfortable. I feel so cramped, like I can't do anything there. Jim is either playing WoW and just generally in my space or whatever and he won't let me sit where I'm comfy at because he can't step over a cord or something? Eh. So I'm stuck in like the most uncomfy place ever.

Anyway, can't finish blog because Mandy just told me we have to go soon.

Oh, yeah...read a good book today. It's not like amazing or whatever, or even that noteworthy. But it's been a while since I've read so yeah, linking it. The Faerie Path.

2008-03-30T04:14:00.000-04:00

-geeks out-

Mandy says I'd be the perfect match for a really geeky basement boy.

...yeah, probably.

Why? Well, she comes home today and brings up an idea that we go out this week for our anniversary and eat at some expensive restaurant in sophisticate clothing. This is so her, despite her gaming career.

I bring up what I had been taunting her with lately, my 'plan' for our anniversary week: World of Warcraft.

So I just renewed our WoW accounts, and I'm sitting here gleefully clapping my hands when I see the newest patch downloading on my screen. I've been so psyched for this. Private is nothing compared to Retail, and, hello?! Patch 2.4, baby! I've been really freaking out about it.

Eh, you might not hear from me for a couple days...

Momentum

2008-03-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

Things seem to be moving faster today. I don't know what it is - commented on it to Mandy earlier when I brought in the mailbox notification that her medicine had arrived. This was also after I had played the messages on the answering machine.

Yeah, I got a job.

It's odd, I wasn't expecting it at all. I though, they're going to dick me around, I'm not going to get it, we're doomed to poverty for the rest of our lives. Eh, I guess not. So I'm going to start an Ad-set job in a couple weeks, same hours and job as Mandy. It means extra money and a job at least on my resume. That works. ;p

Mandy also got lined up for a temp data entry job via Spherion because the place she thought HADN'T dicked her around, had. I seriously hate that nowadays people pretend one thing to your face and then go around and fuck you up. Whether by acting like they're not going to give you a job, or by acting like they are.

I'm trying to get a job from Spherion, too. I'm hoping that soon at least one of us will have a better paying, longer term temp job so that we can get an apartment. Neither of us feel safe with just one having a temp job and getting an apartment. We have no idea whether we'll have the money later to pay for the next month's rent.

Ah well. I'm seriously considering getting a little something for our anniversary. Surprise. :3

Ever-QuestING

2008-03-26T01:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I picked up my new headphones and mouse today. I'm sitting at Cup O Joe right now enjoying a new, piping hot cup of caramel hot chocolate (more on drinks later) and trying them out.

Ok, new headphones. I'm completely happy. I've got them all the way up, it's blocking out most noise, they are SUPER comfy and I've already made them mine by sticking the Skullcandy red pair of stickers on both ears. I'm content. They rock.

Now, the mouse problem. I picked up a tiny cute little one for $20. Bad idea. First off, it's too small. Secondly, the cord for it is just as equally small. I should have got the big, bulky, masculine looking one, because I can't use this with my desktop. It's adorable for my laptop, though. I guess that's what I get for not reading labels. D'oh.

So, I guess it's back to the store yet AGAIN for another mouse. Third times a charm, right?

Drinks and naming rabbits have been my huge thing lately. I've been discussing if we get another rabbit, what breed we'd get and what we'd name it. I think if we got another Dutch, I'd take my lovely Dutch friend and sit down with her and brainstorm awesome Dutch words that could be names. Another thing I think would be the bees knees would be a Cinnamon (that's a breed) called Cinnabun. I just think it'd be the most adorable thing ever. I \'m also warming up to the idea of owning more than one bunny. I never thought, honestly, that I would get so attached to rabbits as pets. I don't know why I never thought of it before, or why I never entertained the idea. I think that I always thought of rabbits as the wild ones, not house rabbits, which are totally a different thing. I always envisioned the large outside hutch of impersonable animals that hopped a lot.

I'm really getting attached to Dolce. I check in on him more than two times in an hour. Every time I go into the closet I say him name and hello and greet him. I worry about him if he's not as energetic. I look up bunny facts and read up on rabbit etiquette every day. He's just the most adorable, funny, quirky naughty little bugger ever. I love him to bits.

Mmm, I forgot how much I missed sitting in Cup O Joe on my laptop, listening to Pandora (I'm currently reaquainting myself with some good JRock - courtesy the 'Gackt' channel I created), and drinking a good hot drink. I have the distinct feeling we're going to be doing a lot of this the summer, I can just tell.

We went a little shopping today. It was nice. Mandy picked up a fall-ish chocolate brown sweater-dress and a short little brown A&F skirt, and I got a nice Grecian flow brown dress and a professional looking skirt. I plan on finding a tight, stretch black button shirt to tuck into it and some clean looking black heels. I like the outfit more and more now that I think about it.

2008-03-25T07:16:00.000-04:00

Our rabbit (see right) ate my mouse and both our remaining headphones (my original pair was eaten by the cat). So, I've been on a quest for the perfect headphones. Sadly, I don't have money to buy the pair I want. I ended up getting these. Which suck.

Skullcandy is a brand that is getting ever-famous for their unique headphone design. However, the larger headphones that yes, are only marketed to Target, are cheap. Just, cheap. Plastic, easy to break, too tight around your ears, they fall off verrry easily. I have to wear a hat so they're even semi-comfy at all. Which you'll see in all the promo pics, almost everybody is wearing a hat and not having them touch their ears...that's because they HURT like hell and are extremely uncomfy.

Well, for now I may have to settle for a pair (picture right) that isn't great, but will cover my ears and have ok sound. I'm taking the Skullcandy Lowriders back tomorrow. Shame, they looked so good.

My quest for a new mouse hasn't ended, either. I picked up a cheap $10 one today and it works but oh my god, it's so annoying loud! CLICK CLACK CLICK. I'm picking up a more expensive pair with the money I'm saving by turning in the SC headphones.

Just so that this whole post is full of bitch, I decided to write a list of the websites I go to on a daily basis. Plus a bunch of reviews and comments on why I go there.

1. Gaia Online

What it is:
Gaia is an online avatar community. Online avatar communities are basically online forums with dynamic avatars (changeable, unique somethings...usually in the form of pixel people) where you chat and buy things for your avatar. It could be likened to a type of game, and probably will evolve into such in the future. Gaia is the largest of this genre of websites, raking in a good amount of money (let's say mid-millions, if not more...Gaia itself takes around 24+ just for maintenance) and a good amount of press. It is one of the largest forums on the internet.
Why I'm there:
It's interesting. I love being rich on some place where I don't have to play bullshit politics. I can have fun, look good, and be liked. Not to mention, Gaia has a lot to keep you occupied.
Who I am:
I'm a moderately rich Gaian, I can get almost any avatar I want with ease if I try. I'm also an official beta for a lot of Gaia's new projects.

2. Roliana

What it is:
Roliana is another avatar community, smaller than Gaia but along the same lines.
Why I'm there:
I like Roli because it's small and more personable than Gaia (which can have over 1oo,ooo users on it at one time).
Who I am:
I've been on Roli since the day it opened, garnering the title of Oldbie and along with almost all the other Oldbies, the position of Mod.

3. Facebook

What it is:
Social network site.
Why I'm there:
It's one of the best social network sites out there. I used to be hellbent against it, but one day I tired of MySpace (which is dying) and got hooked on the amazing applications FB has to offer.
Who I am:
Just another FB user.

4. GMail

What it is:
Google's email service.
Why I'm there:
The BEST email service. No doubt about it.
Who I am:
Used GMail since beta, never looked back.

5. Blogs (Uzume, Me, Mandy)

What it is:
Personal blogs I visit every day.
Why I'm there:
I love my niggas.
Who I am:
Writer of one and reader of the rest.

6. Fanfiction.net/Fictionpress.com

What it is:
Both sites used to be combined onto ff.net, but split a few years back. ff.net offers what is called fanfiction, fiction that is written by fans about some fandom (ex. stories written by fans about Harry Potter, that never actually happened in canon). Fanfiction is extremely popular, offering a sort of outlet for fans of a specific fandom that never used to exist. Fictionpress, the offshoot of ff.net, resulted when there were too many original stories popping up on ff.net. fp.com is now filled with amazing original stories. Users can submit their own stories.
Why I'm there:
I love reading, period. fp.com offers at-home fiction that is quality and puts me on a level equal with the author. ff.net offers fanfiction that lets me love my fandoms even more. Also, if I ever wanted to, I could submit my own stories for others to read and critique and review.
Who I am:
Avid reader and old ff.net writer. I've been visiting both sites since I was an internet toddler.

7. Sheezyart

What it is:
SA is an art community. People can join, post their art, get comments, watches, etc. These types of communities are very prevalent on the internet and offer great critique for budding artists. You can submit any type of art, ranging from lit to animation to graphic design to customizable desktops.
Why I'm there:
SA is my personal artistic haven. It's an awesome small community and I've met some of my greatest friends online on there. (lovely Uzume, Luis, Julie, and more)
Who I am:
Just a small contributor to the art on SA.

8. Deviantart

What it is:
The largest art community on the internet. Deviantart has long arms, reaches far.
Why I'm there:
To look at high quality art. I usually don't submit, it's too easy to get lost amoung so many other artists.
Who I am:
Just looking for inspiration.

2008-03-22T03:19:00.000-04:00

People today can't commit. They're afraid to come out and say "No" or "Yes". Is it that hard?

I applied for a job at Kohl's. It's an awesome job, one that fits me to a T. I would work like a fiend at it. Mandy has the job. She let me know about three weeks ago that they were severely understaffed, so I applied for the job. I went in for the interview. And now, I get dicked around. They're still understaffed, Mandy comes home from work telling me stories about it. Yet, they've only hired one other person (and NOT hiring me...which pisses me off) I called today for about the third time...it's been a week and they have yet to even finish checking my references! WHAT. Can we please just tell me you don't want me, instead of saying stupid stuff that makes you look like irresponsible idiots?

Anyways, one thing keeping me happy is our bunny rabbit. It's so cute, so adorable. And it keeps us comforted all the time. It's slowly growing more and more accustomed to us by the day...today Dolce flopped down at my side for a quick snooze.

2008-03-14T16:07:00.000-04:00

Things have actually been going rather well lately. We're on the cusp - the very cusp - of living the life. I've been knocking on wood more this past week than I ever have in my life.

-knock on wood- Mandy gets the job.
-knock on wood- I get the jobs.
-knock on wood- We get the loan.
-knock on wood- This equals no more debt, our dreams realized with a few scant years, security...anything we could possibly want in the world, ever.

The possibility of this, it's a constant pressure of potential filling the air. I can almost taste the townhouse near Mandy's new job. Almost....feel the steering wheel of a new car under my hands while I go to my own job. See Mandy's smiling face after we complete one of her greatest dreams.

Then...smell the air of success.

I don't want this meager existence anymore, living in a closet. Things seems so close, we are just waiting the inevitable confirmation or (heaven forbid) disappointment. But I don't think we're ever going back...I think it's all forward from here.

I pet the soft bunny under my fingers in the now of tomorrow.

2008-02-22T15:04:00.000-05:00

My computer died last week.

I was a little bit frantic without it, but once I got it back up and clean, I realized that I felt a little bit unburdened. I feel cleaner, lighter, fresher. More conscious of things. I've been trying to keep it super organized and everything, and it's really nice knowing where everything is. I'm still downloading things, but I'm also upgrading them. Getting the newest drivers, the better version of software, quicker better things for my computer.

It's also nice to have this epic download speed. :3

I'm really excited for the trip to New York. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm doing something with my life if I'm traveling there, a major hub of the world. I also can't wait to see Uzume...I think it's going to be one of those major things in my life, where I can say, "Hey, I met one of the most awesome chicks EVER, and she lives halfway across the world...so meeting friends that far away from you is possible!". She'll be the first person I've been really close friends with on the internet that I will be meeting in person. Just thinking about the whole thing makes me feel alive. ^^

2008-02-13T11:00:00.000-05:00

A lot of days I wish I could create something that people loved. A major internet identity, celebrity. Sometimes I think I have what it takes to truly be interesting, and I curse that I don't have the materials to make it become a reality.

But then again, who is to say that if I got everything I needed that my dream would come true? I think that's the novelty of hope, it's something that keeps you striving...is it good or bad to achieve your dreams?

2008-01-26T02:06:00.000-05:00

A couple days ago, I said...relaxing, no stress...we're good. It hasn't been so lately. It's that horrible stress where you react like a bitch to everything, and it really sucks.

My mom decided to invite herself up here tomorrow. I was looking forward to it being just my dad. I really was. Now I have to deal with mom and Drew. Seriously, learn courtesy and bring it up with the people you are visiting first, yeah?

I've felt shit about myself. Like, just shit. I want to go back to when we were cuddling in our own apartment.

I need to cry.

2008-01-24T04:00:00.000-05:00

So, new blog layout I guess...

Feedback? ;p

In the spirit of new layouts, here's the start of my portfolio/main website...well, this is what I have so far. I've drawn up a few designs for it, we'll see how that goes. I just don't want to let my domain gather dust. :*(

2008-01-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've written, and I can't exactly say why...

I tend to lose interest in things after a while, I think it has to do with my Leo tendency to want everything I do or am involved in to have some sort of huge impact...some recognition of sorts. Like I need the approval and whatever of larger and larger amounts of people as time goes on.

I always cook up these huge schemes...things that are now on the back-burner...and I can't ever find the energy to bring them about. Is it because I'm afraid of failure? Of putting all my energy into something and have it come out to not be enough to feed my Leo ego? Perhaps.

But I'm finding the energy to write this blog right now, because...I want to. So I guess I can overcome my own ego, which is a very good thing to know.

I think I got the energy from being here alone in Jim's apartment for the first time. I don't want to be alone - I desperately want Mandy to be here...it's very lonely without her. I find she occupies most of my time. I don't know how that is...it's like when she's around I have no time to do anything, and when she's gone...well, I have nothing to do. She's it, she's my time...I spend everything on her, revolving around her. I like our relationship like that, it makes me feel secure.

Anyway, I'm here alone...I had nothing to do. So I took a shower, a nice long hot shower, and I scrubbed away all my stress and worries and the odd burning heavy feeling I've had in my chest all this time. I've felt like I can't breathe, lift a finger, do anything. And it's been really...just ugh. I've felt sluggish. But now after my shower, I kind of feel liberated. Oh, the sluggishness is still there...but there's also some energy, the energy I find just let me put some dirty clothes from the past day or so in the laundry (when before, they would have waited weeks), let me pick up things around the apartment, and it let me write this blog entry.

Maybe I will even find the energy to work on other things...le-morte.com, maybe? I don't know.

It's odd to be in this different apartment...but as I discussed with Mandy, since we've been here a couple days, it's starting to feel more homey. Probably because we're here...we're women, a couple...and we're make this bachelor pad fill with our warmth. I'm finally relaxing and I feel a bit like I'm sloughing off the toxins in my body. It's good.

2008-01-02T04:30:00.000-05:00

The past couple of nights I've had odd dreams. Odd in a way that I've never really had any dreams that affected me like this. My dreams are usually like movies, very lifelike, but I'm extremely detached from them. The two dreams I've had lately, not so much. I don't know if it's my heightened emotional state right now, the combinations of stress and hormones - but I do know that I don't like have these dreams. Waking up crying isn't my cup of tea.

2008 pretty much started with the same kind of apathy that was so prevalent in 2007. I didn't care one way or another that it was New Years, in fact, we even missed when it WAS the new year. I view things with less importance than I ever have, and I hardly believe in holidays anymore. Perhaps that's pessimistic but I like to think I'm just apathetic. They don't matter at all because it's just the same day as last week, they only hold import because we make them that way in our minds. The power of the human mind to create by belief is amazing.

So no, no resolutions for the "new year", and no...Santa didn't get me anything for Christmas, either. But both of those are cool because it doesn't really matter. When do we need holidays to tell us to give things to people, when do we need a new year to make decisions to do this and that (when most of us never follow through)? We don't. We forge our own path, and I don't need consumerism to tell me what to do and when to do it. ; )

Lately I've been musing on the whole "Life's not fair" nonsense. I had recently watched Labyrinth over again in a David Bowie mood, and Sarah always says, "That's not fair!". Later on she recants her whines and in a self-musing moment says, "But life's not always fair."

...to which I reply, how much can life not be fair to you? Who decides where these cards fall? If life really wasn't fair in that movie, she wouldn't have succeeded. She would never have gotten past the door to the Labyrinth. Is it REALLY fair to kick someone when they're down so much that you kick them dead? Or that another person gets that wonderful and fair life? No, life isn't fair...but give us at least SOME fair in it, because otherwise...it's not life at all. It's hell, and you're pretty much a rotting corpse still walking around somehow.

Neil Gaiman

2007-12-10T12:10:00.000-05:00

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.

These past couple of days have been Neil Gaiman Days, filled with browsing his blog, laughing at his witticisms, and gaining more from him in one sentence than years of lessons in anything. I find myself gravitating more and more towards him and his writings right now, and I think it's good for me, right now. He puts a smile on my face that not a lot can do.

2007-12-09T09:46:00.000-05:00

I will post. I will post. I will post. I will post. I will post.

This blog needs written, and is long overdue. I'm writing it in the haze of not knowing really what day it is, when I need to sleep or when I need to wake up, or if I'm hungry or not. Mandy is making me some cafe mocha on the grounds that I will go back and read in bed with her. I know that I will fall asleep, even though I only just got up a few hours ago...or did I? Time is irrelevant, I sleep when I'm tired, I wake when I'm not. I'm hungry in a vague way, I think of $3 pizza as an unreachable dream, and content myself with nibbles on bread.

I know it's going to get worse, like the depression and rut I found myself in when Mandy had her job at Calltech. She's finally found another one - and another one on top of that, probably....and will be working her ass off so we can pay the landlady all our money to not evict us, so we can have a place to sleep and lose a couple pounds from not eating. (We've done this before.) In a few months we'll probably be better, more financially able. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like we've taken two steps and gone back three.

I could talk about all the things I want to do, but honestly...we're not going to do them. Maybe, someday...I can talk about how I'm going to go buy this or that book or go to this or that place, but it's just not feasible right now. Right now is the limbo of life, and I suppose we're going to have to beat it to gain our breath back.

The Quiz

2007-11-23T22:20:00.000-05:00

I. Basics
1.Name: Anna, universally just 'Anna'. No last name. My legal name is Hannah Marie Koontz - that's not me.
2.Sign: Leo to the core.
3.Occupation: Renaissance woman, lost girl, self-revolutionary, student of the world.
4.Gender: Female.
5.Living Arrangement: I share a small one-bedroom apartment with my wife, the squirrels, and the sounds of our eccentric neighbors.
6.Political view point: My own. I think what I think, I disagree when I disagree.
7.Sexual Orientation: Pansexual.

II. Not-so-rhetorical questions (explain each answer)
1. 3 things you look for in a partner are: The ability to not give a shit, extreme devotion (loyalty), intelligence. I want someone who will turn up the music as loud as it can go, drive recklessly on an empty highway, scream into the wind, laugh loudly at 5am. I want someone who will listen to me talk and talk back, map my body for hours every day, hold me even when I'm not cold, smother me with kisses and compliments every minute.
2. If you could be in a painting, what would it be? I want to be Mona Lisa.
3. What is the absolute best piece of music ever written? Fur Elise, I can lose myself in it.
4. If you were a smell, what would it be? A deep, sweet and musky smell.
5. You're dead. Where are you? Nowhere. I don't want to be a mindless immortal spirit, that's not even me. And reincarnation isn't me, ether. I want to be nothing at all.
6. What are your actions and thoughts when you pass a homeless person? Ignore.
7. What tarot card are you? I don't want to be a Tarot Card - I am myself, a myriad of things. One card can't possibly encompass 'me'.
8. If you were a liquid, what would you be? Warm chocolate with whipped cream and caramel.
9. If you could pick one, which movie would you most likely pick to be a reality for you? Pride and Prejudice. The ultimate life and love.
10. What genre of music are you? New Age.
11. What's your favorite fable/ fairy tale and why? I honestly can't think of just one.
12. What's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to you? Nothing sticks out right now.
13. What's the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you? It's more about what they don't say. They don't think I'm anything enough to warrant attention. It's a constant battle of jealousy for me.
14. What body part are you? Lips.
15. What mythological creature would you be? A siren.
16. What heroic figure would you be? Ew, heroes. Where's my villains at?
17. What type of dessert would you be? Some type of Chocolate silk pie or cheesecake - your ultimate indulgence.
18. What alcoholic drink would you be? Some sweet yet bitter.
19. If your life were a taste, what would it be? A side dish that was cooked wrong and turned out inedible.
20. If you could commission an artist to paint/sculpt your likeness, who would it be? Vermeer - the unanimous pick for artist!
21. What has been the single most defining moment in your life? When I left the house.
22. What bodily noise are you? Nervous giggles, and throaty moans.
23. You're trapped in a year of history. What year is it? Year 3000. I want to know the future.
24. You're an article of clothing. Big comfy soft warm shirt.
25. What's your worst fear? To not matter.
26. What is the official title of your life? Untitled.
27. If your life was a road sign, which would it be? Construction Ahead.
28. What song LYRIC best describes you/your life?
29. What music/group do you like secretly? None.

III. What is...?
1. What is "ugly"? Fat.
2. What is "sexy"? Smooth curves.
3. What is "beautiful"? Pale skin in candlelight.
4. What is "immoral"? Nothing.
5. What is "romantic"? Unconditional love.
6. What is "breathtaking"? Being free.
7. What is "astounding"? Being able to do whatever you want.
8. What is "euphoric"? A moment of completion.
9. What is "unthinkable"? Living.
10. What is "infuriating"? Not being able to live.
11. What is "hatred"? Humanity.
12. What is "dread"? Death as no one.
13. What is "kindness"? Being better.
14. What is "completion"? A single moment where you don't think.

IV. Three words or less
1. If you could get any job, what would it be? No job.
2. Three traits that do not describe you: Kind, unselfish, immaterial.
3. What are people's first impressions of you? Shy/Quiet.
4. Are you attractive enough? No.
5. You have to move. Where do you go? The UK.
6. What periodic element are you? Fuck that.
7. What natural disaster are you? Global Warming.
8. Name three song titles that describe you? "Girl Anachronism" "Danger! High Voltage!" "House of Wolves"
9. What psychological disorder are you? Bi-polar.
10. What's your favorite swear word? "Bitch".
11. What store chain are you? Not a store chain, the designer clothes you would never be able to wear.
12. Your life is a story by a famous author (living or dead). Who is it? Neil Gaiman.
13. What pop/soda are you? Rootbeer.
14. What facial expression are you? A shy smile.
15. What STD are you? AIDS.
16. What drug are you? Suicide.
17. What musical instrument are you? Harp.
18. What is your favorite smell? Clean cold crisp air.
19. What fashion disaster or beauty disaster are you? Wearing clothing that would look good on a skinnier girl.

V. Descriptions.
1. Describe your first kiss. At night, it was snowing and we were freezing and I asked her and she said yes, so I did.
2. Describe your ambitions. Being able to buy whatever I want without a second thought.
3. Describe your partner. Gorgeous, intelligent.
4. Describe your fashion sense. What I wear, what I want.
5. Describe yourself with a verb. Hate.
6. Describe one of your hang ups. I dislike everyone.
7. Describe one of your passions. Movies.
8. Describe your utopia. See Section V. question #2.
9. Describe your favorite clothing style on the opposite sex. A nice, body hugging ribbed cashmere sweater and black tight pants.
10. Describe your family. Non-existent.
11. Describe an abnormality that makes you uncomfortable. My weight. Or maybe my teeth. I used to hate this horrible wart I had.
12. Describe something about yourself that you hate but can't change. Myself.
13. Describe one of your prejudices. Mandy knows.
14. Describe the sound a failed dream would make. Nothing, it just tapers off.
15. Describe the sound of happiness. Slow chords.

VI. ...
1. The moral of your life story is... “Failure"
2. A doctor has bad news for you. You immediately think... “What else?”
3. People sever ties with you because...I'm a bitch.
4. Someone says "No offense, but..." and you think... "Not if I insult you first.”
5. You're loaded. The first thing you buy is... Whatever I can on the internet.
6. You're on your death bed. Your last words are... I wouldn't be able to say them.
7. You find flowers on your doorstep. You think... “Weirdo.”
8. You scream at a scary movie because... it startled me.
9. A member of the opposite sex is staring you down. It's because... My fertility is attractive.
10. If you could acquire any talent, it would be... being better.
11. You burst out laughing. It's because... Mandy said something insane.
12. You're in a murderous rage. As usual.

Giving Thanks....?

2007-11-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was Thanksgiving. It's an utterly stupid holiday, just like a lot of the American holidays out there. Commercialism galore, etc. And for some reason it's super serious. I remember years before, going to Thanksgiving family reunions where everyone made a show of giving thanks, or whatever. Honestly, shouldn't you be giving thanks for things all year long? It's just like confession - a thing to make you feel good for being a nasty person, a concession of the American mindset: "I'll do whatever I want now, I can always fix it later."

This Thanksgiving Mandy and I were roped into heading down to Chillicothe for some awkward moments and mediocre food. I shouldn't be complaining, after all...ANY food is better than what we've been eating lately, which is...nothing. (Though, Jim graciously bought us pizza on Wednesday!)

Mandy's mom stopped by her grandmother's to nervously pace the kitchen floor for a while. She brought along an old coat of Mandy's - a German officer's coat! It's gorgeous, and warm, and I kind of feel nervous about wearing it out. I started thinking...in my old days, the days of alternative and punk and goth and whatever I was, I'd have no problem about wearing it out. And I sort of do still feel that way. But with Mandy with me, the gorgeous sophisticate blonde, I feel a bit like I'm bringing unwanted attention on us. However, it is a sexy sexy coat and if we ever make any alternative friends I'm for sure busting it out. That reminds me - a great time to wear it would a con.

I'm distracted by a gaggle of half-drunk college kids with the idea that all their movements tonight must be catalogued with a billion cameras. Now random strangers are being ask to take pictures of them also. Oh, college kids...how dependably immature you are. They remind me of the annoying kids that never grew out of partying and getting drunk and being loud Americans (ie. RUDE CHILDREN).

However, I've got my music and my delicious caramel hot chocolate to keep me on track.

Lately things have been getting ok again. We've got food to eat, today was the first day in a few weeks we've gotten out by ourselves, and I'm slowing de-stressing. There's just a little bit of money in our pockets, and I'm feeling good. No, I'm feeling GREAT. My stomach sickness has tapered off, god...just in time for me not to miss the food binging. I know my body is gobbling up the calories, but dammit...I need food!

Tomorrow we hang out with Jim and play Mandy's new favourite activity - some game like Guitar Hero, named Rockstar. We're like a band and it's kind of weird but fun at the same time. She's addicted to the clothing. I noticed something while her and Jim animatedly talked about what songs they'd want to play. I'm completely from a different generation from them. They like all these songs I can't get into and the stuff that I like is immediately pushed away...probably because they see it as immature music because I'm younger. Just because I like it doesn't mean it isn't good, Jesus! lol. And no I'm not talking Top 40 shit, though maybe one or two is on there. Ah well. I just don't think that generational music travels very well between people.

Food Makes Life Better

2007-11-17T14:47:00.000-05:00

I found out yesterday that even when you are really down, as I have been, good food makes life better. It doesn't improve the quality of your life - ours being ramen in the morning with some cheap bread and value cheese slapped together in the evening. But it does lift your mood, if even for that day and the next.

Yesterday we got treated by Mandy's lifelong friend (friendship rekindled!) to an evening of red wine and pasta. She is a very good cook and it was really amazing food! Granted, I only sipped on the wine (after finding out my age, she later exclaimed, "I served alcohol to a minor!"...as she thought I was 24 or so) but the pasta was amazing! Don't ask me how salsa plus ketchup and pop on top of the penne was absolutely divine - but it was.

She sent us along a few hours later with bags of things she said were only to be thrown out later. I don't know if this was true or not, but I just baked some yummy coffeecake with it and am planning on fixing some oven fried chicken later.

I feel better than I have the past week and a half, though my stomach is still giving me problems, and I chock it all up to food. Hurrah for yummy food!

2007-11-10T09:05:00.001-05:00

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, by Tim Burton is coming out this Christmas...and a better Christmas present I couldn't ask for! I'll have my loan money by then so I'm planning right now on going to see it on opening night. : )

I've been very sick lately, pretty much all the sick you can get. I had a bad cold a while ago and now I'm just sick to my stomach 24/7. I'm having a hard time eating any food we have, which isn't much...but hey, if I'm starving here...at least let me have a little bit of food, tummy! Not to mention, I just finished my monthly monster. I don't think my body likes me right now.

It might just be stress, I got the results from the FAFSA in saying, "Hey, your parents have a bajillion wads of cash so you don't get no mulah from us, girlfriend!" And I need to wait until CSCC gets all my transcripts so I can go and register and THEN get loans.

Speaking of, we need loans badly. Our apartment totally screwed us - long story. But they took all our money basically and now we've got like...$10 to live on? -sigh- I swear to god, life likes to kick us while we're already on the ground bleeding.

I was on Sheezy today, and I was reading a journal...this chick had had financial aid screw her over this year, plus some stressful surgeries. But all in all, she is a LOT better off than us...her latest journal was about how she just got hired on at a big name company paying lots of bucks...and a comment left was, "Just the way to make the year end well after all the bad things you went through, you deserve it!" and I'm thinking...where's my good thing?

Does my good thing even exist? Did someone lose it and say, "Oh well, who cares...!"?

2007-11-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Good news on my front.

We received my new credit card that will tide us over until either one of us gets a job or I get my loan money. Instead of the $300 limit that we thought it was going to be, it was $500. This saved our asses! We thought we'd only have about $50 for groceries for a month but now we will have plenty. : )

Not only that, but as I checked the phone today, there was a message for Mandy...about a job! Huntington called her back for one of her applications and she's going to call them tomorrow.

And...all my stuff is in for college (Hopefully, lol. Financial aid is so confusing.) and I'll be going in this week to talk to them about scheduling classes, etc.

I don't know, despite having my red tides flowing quite heavily (You wanted to know, I know you did.) and it hurting pretty bad, I'm in a pretty good mood. : ) So much so that I'm starting to get back into the creative swing again, thinking about graphic design, photography...things I love. With Ohayocon coming up I can for sure swing some quick small photoshoots in there, a bit more for a small portfolio. Everyone at Ohayocon loves getting their picture taken and I figure it's a good opportunity.

2007-11-02T22:08:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you guys can understand why I like have the little virtual items, the pixels, on avatar sites. It's because that little avatar is me. I'm typing posts from it, I'm dressing it how I want it to be dressed, and I'm earning money for being me.

I've been on a very big avatar community called Gaia since 2004, and it wasn't until the past 2 years that I've really been loving collecting the items on there. I got myself up to a 2,ooo,oooG worth, which is quite a lot...and was looking forward to even more.

I like these sites because...I can have things on there. The ability is there for me to be rich, to be wealthy...to have items. And I love collecting them, being able to have what I want without it seeming like an impossibility.

To be hacked today on Gaia - to have almost all my items I worked for taken away...a whole 2 years worth! It really hurts. Like...life is telling me I can't even be wealthy or have what I want on the internet, either.

Am I seriously doomed to scrape and scrounge all my life for things only to be pushed back to where I started over and over again?

2007-11-01T02:26:00.000-04:00

I sewed a dress for Halloween. It's a cute little black cocktail dress. It has a halter top that ties in the back with laced red ribbon, little slits in the side, a scoop neck.

For my Halloween outfit I was going to rip it up a bit. Put on black and red eyeshadow. Red glossy lipstick. Ripped hose and fishnet and my black knee high combat boots.

But...we got canceled on. If you know me, you know one of my biggest pet peeves is when people I rely on say again and again, profusely, that they are going to do something. And then, oh then...at the last minute...say they can't.

Needless to say, our day was full of tension, little spats fueled by disappointed in people, life in general...the want and need for human contact and to go out, but not the ability or driving force to do so. We stayed cooped up in our little apartment, spatting at each other like caged animals.

I don't know how tomorrow is going to be, but I'm sure as hell not going to spend it here.

2007-10-30T16:53:00.000-04:00

I woke up today ok, but about a couple hours in, I came down with a horrible cold. I've been trying to fight it all day...cold medicine, lots of liquids (juice, water, hot chocolate and soup) but nothing is helping...it's just getting worse.

My eyes are all swollen, my nose is so stuffed I feel like I can't breathe, and I'm soooo groggy. As I type this I'm sneezing my head off, coughing a bit...

Seems like I cook really well when I'm sick, though. I made some awesome brownies today, and the hot chocolate was really really good, too.

Ah well, I'm off to see what Mr. Brooks is like. : )

2007-10-28T23:15:00.000-04:00

Sitting in Cup O Joe, stealing a couple sips of Mandy's steaming hot tea. There's a gaggle of middle aged women laughing loudly to my left and a college guy studying that keeps sending me odd amused smiles to my right. I'm careful not to steal a bit of Jim's mocha drink - last time I did, I was sick for two days.

The housewives are leaving now, talking about sweaters and decorating and the children and husbands in their life. Mandy and Jim are talking about children also, but in a different context: Mandy murdering teenagers in high school if forced to be a substitute teacher.

This morning I woke up and put on a comfy scarf and ventured outside to take some nature pictures, which I've been wanting to do for a while since it started getting cooler out. I got a lot of really good pictures - all uploaded onto my Sheezy. They turned out really good. I had some odd things happen to me while I was out there, some squirrel started throwing nuts at me from his abode up in a tree.

I sent in my application for school the other day - all I have to do is send my transcripts in. I'm going to be screwed about financial aid, so I'm gearing up to take a loan out. That's what I really didn't want to do, but I have no choice until I prove myself Independent.

Mandy and I talked to the lovely Uzume the other day...and started Mission: Uzume. It's our goal to get the little wifey to open up on Skype (which is a sort of phone type program where you can call people from your computer). She's actually MAYBE coming to New York City sometime in the coming year, and we're very excited to go up there for a weekend and see her.

2007-10-28T03:16:00.000-04:00

I got kind of bored tonight...or rather, I just felt in an artistic mood. I'm starting to feel like a new layout for this blog, too. To the left is a new art piece I did, based on my lovely little wife, Uzume. Not sure why I named it 'Earnest'...it's actually a shortened version of 'Earnest Impressions' which is the whole title.

After I finished it I found a lot lot wrong...like the red bit of the background above her eye, and I FORGOT AN A. I will go back in the original file and edit that tomorrow.

It's all done with my favourite medium for this personal style of mine, Macromedia Flash. I love the smooth and sloppy way I can colour, and how it turns out so crisp. Obviously taken into PSP and edited a bit, added the blood.

makeartnotwar

2007-10-27T08:03:00.000-04:00

The office that I work at is a low-key organization, the Ohio Gamers. Because of the stress of starting school again, I told the head person (Jack Stewart) that I would be strictly working in an un-official capacity.

Knowing that, yesterday I went into the office for a bit with Mandy...me, to just be there casually while she was doing a little bit of things. Mandy and I were planning on hopping over to our friend Jim's house later on and having a relaxing pizza and movies night while doing our laundry (We have no access to a good washer or dryer here) Let me tell you what happened. Jack has no idea what to tell her to do, at all. She calls maybe one person for him, types a little letter...that is it. That's also what we KNEW was going to happen. Like I said, the OGO is very un-organized, etc.

I was wearing straight legged velvet-type gray pants with cute little black flat with bows (that hurt like hell) and my "Make art not war" t-shirt with the black jacket on the right. Clean? You betcha...tidy, too.

Jackass Stewart (my new name for him) makes me lug around some random dirty boxes for him from outside. I'm not complaining about it at all, it's whatever...I got this weird dust-stain on my t-shirt from it, though.

I'll tell you what Jackass is wearing: the same really dirty jeans from the last 10 times we've seen him, the same really dirty button shirt from the last 10 times we've seen him, and no shower in-between those times from the smell coming off of him. There's another main guy named Matt that works there, he comes in later with baggy jean shorts and a track suit top.

Taking into consideration that I am clean, tidy...good-looking...in an un-official capacity (Meaning, I was basically just a guest there) on a Friday (which we've been told is casual Friday to boot)...against J's dirty appearance and Matt's sloppy one, that's what makes this next bit from J rankle pretty bad.

He proceeds to lecture me about appearing professional.

Uhm...wtf? Excuse me?

Yeah.

Casual Friday, more professional looking than our homeless-looking co-workers, un-official capacity...fuck you.

I said goodbye that second and walked out with Mandy to go visit someone that wasn't a hypocrite. I want to know what Jackass is taking, what glasses he's seeing the world through when he says shit like that, and WHY HE WON'T TAKE A FREAKING BATH.

Feel of Autumn

2007-10-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

Finally. The night time coffee shop noises surround me, the lull of patron, the smiles of friendly employees that know us as regulars. I look out and see the golden clouds and the purple royal of the setting sun, the cool breeze ruffling the autumn trees to drop a few more leaves. There's a comfy scarf bundling me up, an Enya station on Pandora playing, and I'm finally, FINALLY, writing in this blog again.

I've been super stressed lately, there's been a lot of bullshit stuff going on...things with financial aid, problems with my parents. Sometimes I wish that I could just divorce myself from them completely, but there are laws in the United States that don't take into account young adults that have been kicked out of their houses. Hopefully, we'll be able to iron that stuff out, so I can go to the Winter Quarter. I'm really looking forward to being back in the whole swing of being in school.

I took a couple pictures today, I'm going to upload at least one of them...

Coffeeshops

2007-10-18T14:07:00.001-04:00

S7000714
Originally uploaded by vovchychko

Mmm. It's chilly windy and rainy outside today, the best combinations weather-wise.

Mandy and I are at Cup O Joe, sipping happily on Caramel Hot Cocoa.

-makes contented noises-

2007-10-17T23:55:00.001-04:00

Today I felt trapped. Trapped somewhere, uncomfortable in an intense social situation, for hours.

Mandy and I went to the OGO office today. We met Jack - who, let me tell you, is a completely different person than what he seems online. He's indifferent, a bastard, and pretty creepy online. And in person...not the Jack we knew from good ol' Interweb. He was nice, engaging, and an all-around awesome guy to hang out with.

So, I guess I'm wondering why people are different online than they are off? I think I could get if someone was open online but not so open in person. But cold? Unfeeling? And then very comfortable to spill your darkest secrets to in person. What is the difference? Are you truly 'yourself' online?

We're supposed to hang out with him tomorrow, go on a trip with him this weekend, and a bunch of other stuff.

I'm drained, honestly. Today...ugh. I'm dropping dead right now, so tired.

I felt so claustrophobic today in that office. Trapped.

So trapped.

Pests

2007-10-16T22:45:00.000-04:00

I made yummy spaghetti for dinner tonight, though Mandy said it was a bit too spicy. -sob- It might have been the too much pepper. Either way, it was still pretty filling and a good use of our cheap sauce (which I try to flavour up) and the leftover hamburger we had from hamburgers last night (ditto).

Today felt pretty good, I got around to cleaning most of the kitchen. Let me tell you, having a kitchen clean is one of the best feelings. Followed by having the whole apartment clean. That's on my list of things to do, and I've already assigned Mandy the bathroom while I get the living room and we share the bedroom. This is all in preparation for some pest control people that are coming on the 18th.

Honestly, when I found the notice on the doorknob it kind of made me laugh. They listed the main things they were going to focus on were beds and wooden furniture. Uhm, besides the big broken couch that we don't dare move unless it just falls apart...we don't have either. Our "bed" consists of just a mattress, and everything else is on the floor. I'm just pissed at having these pest guys come in our apartment, which we have to "vacate" for the day, when we spray for bugs everywhere all the time and...I just don't want them looking at our stuff. I'm going to make sure everything valuable we have is put away/locked/or taken with us. I DO NOT trust people I myself am not hiring. Also, the apartment people have the guts to tell us if we aren't "ready" for the pest control we will be charged for the whole thing. Who denotes if we're ready or not? We don't have drawers to put away our clothes in. We can't physically do that. So are you going to charge us? Ugh. We'll see.

Picture Post

2007-10-16T13:00:00.001-04:00

Here's a picture of the door to our apartment. I was debating on showing what our apartment looked like, but I won't scare you yet. I uploaded a bunch of other pictures onto Flickr, so if you want to see more of where I go in Columbus (albeit, all taken from a moving car) then go there. :)

It's pretty rainy today and rather dreary. I don't think we'll get out, and the Jack Gamer guy hasn't contacted Mandy yet. Mandy wanted to go and turn in her Kohl's application, which is all fine and good...but I think she should be at least setting her sights a little higher. I don't know if she's looked for other data entry jobs at any other companies yet. It's a big flaw of both of ours: Procrastination. And it doesn't help that we're both Leos, her a double. It means we procrastinate like crazy and we looooove comfort. So, we're both pretty lazy.

I've been working on the blog a bit, added that Flickr badge and a fan section. I may add a few more bits of things, like a contact area with my email and messenger capabilities, etc. I suppose it's my current project, and (another promise) I will keep up with it.

Speaking of promises, I exercised last night and I'm very proud of myself for it. Now, to keep on with it.

Promises

2007-10-16T01:43:00.000-04:00

I update for Uzume, even when my brain is dry and I know not what to write. Even though Uzume finds that words and writing in English have no poetry or allure and she cannot find the heart or soul in them. For Uzume, to hope that one day she finds emotion in everything and she is all the better for it.

I kept my promise to myself tonight. Hey, one promise out of many I have broken...it's a start, isn't it? Though I suppose the very writing of this blog will make it two. And if I go and do 30 sit ups and 30 jumping jacks tonight before bed, that will be three. That's wonderful, because if there's one thing I need to do it's keeping my own promises to myself.

The first promise was to watch Heroes tonight, which I did. Of course I loved it, and I found myself wanting just a bit more of Sylar and Peter, seeing as they are my favourite characters. Mandy will attest to my smitten sighs and gasps over Zachary Quinto over the span of the episode tonight. God, he's lovely and such a talented actor.

It's almost bedtime for me, Mandy just traipsed into the living room to tell me she's headed to bed - the cue that I should, too. (But not before exercise!) We are planning on going out tomorrow as she planned we'd stop by the office for Ohio Gamers and talk to one of her friends about helping. Mandy's got some scheme for using it as her current job so we'll see how that pans out.

History Lesson: Queen Elizabeth

2007-10-14T16:30:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I'd been surfing fandango.com to see what new movies were coming out, and when. Mandy and I have been dying to go see the new Elizabeth movie with Cate Blanchett and it just came out this past Friday.

I've been checking the mail every day looking for the credit card Mandy signed up for so that we have extra cash (Expensive medicine, food, and BILLS to pay for.) and we both want to wait until we get that to MAYBE see the Elizabeth movie in theaters.

Anyway, as I was saying...I was looking at the reviews for the Elizabeth movie (Wonderful reviews that say it's a must-see for people that like history. Good, because Mandy's a European History major and I'm a big Elizabeth lover.) and saw that the other Elizabeth movie (1998) that Blanchett had starred in was actually the movie before this new one. I remembered watching about the first 15 minutes of it a couple years ago, and decided to download it to watch before we saw the sequel.

Well, it was very good. The cinematography wasn't amazing of course, but I loved the historical realness to it. And Elizabeth is still, to this day, my absolute favourite monarch. I always find myself wishing I could be her - she is so like me, or vice versa.

Online Fiction

2007-10-14T11:50:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been perusing the Romance section of fictionpress.com. Mandy always calls it, "Reading my fanfiction." and I have to politely explain once again that no, just because people upload their stories to websites on the internet doesn't mean they can't be good authors and good original stories.

Most people I've found, however, do focus on the fact that authors write stories about their favourite celebrities or fictional characters of other fandoms and completely overlook that there are some very well written novels out there. (Not including the actual fanfiction area...there are some amazing ones in there, too!) Some people think that because these authors are uploading their literary achievements online that they just aren't good enough. Well, think again. I have seen on countless occasions these authors become published.

Sometimes, it isn't even necessary to become published to have your work read over the world, either. For instance, not many of you will have heard of Cassandra Claire, but she was a huge influence on the Harry Potter fandom a few years back. Of course, I'm drawing this example from fanfiction but the fact still stands. Cassandra Claire's writings became so famous that the people she wrote them about (Notably, Sean Astin.) had read them. If you pick up a contemporary book in say, the Teen section of your local bookstore you will find references to her works to this very day.

Hopefully I made you all learn something today, otherwise...you are missing some wonderful books and authors.

Resolutions

2007-10-13T19:30:00.001-04:00

I promise to myself that I WILL watch Heroes on an actual TV, on the station it airs, at the time the episode says it is on in the TV Guide this Monday. I will cook delicious hamburgers, Mandy and I will sit down on our comfy comfy couch from the dumpster, and we will watch Heroes. This I swear.

I was searching the internet today, and I finally found the name of my favourite model on this lovely LiveJournal community. (It's filled with really wonderful pictures...the ones I always want to tear out of Vogue, etc. when I browse them.) Her name is Lily Cole, and if I have one role model in my future looks and pose, it's her.

I think that brings me to my two resolutions: losing weight until I'm 115-120, and going back to college for the winter quarter. I don't really know how I'll lose the weight...just eating Special K and doing jumping jacks and sit-ups every day? I hope so. :/

The Basics

2007-10-13T19:10:00.000-04:00

Finally put together a new blog...I guess I really put a lot of time into it. It features:

Links to
- Gaia & Roliana (forums I visit)
- Sheezyart (Where I put all my photography and art)
- Blogs of people I know
- Networking websites (Facebook, MySpace, mEgo, IMVU)
- Music & books & movies/shows I'm currently engrossed in

Plus the layout graphics were all put together by me. :)

Things I'm hoping to add are:
- More posts
- Smiles for the tagboard
- More graphics