Music Listened To While Blogging:
Imperative Reaction - Only In My Mind
Suicide Commando - Face Of Death
Funker Vogt - Gunman
Iris - Annie, Would I Lie To You?
Imperative Reaction - Diminish Me
Front Line Assembly - Social Enemy

I haven't blogged in a while. It's probably the combination of several things: fatigue, malnourishment, depression, lack of inspiration. Last night I received a request to blog once again from a person I would probably call a close friend (though I'm not sure if he would agree...and that's maybe just me).

I'm sitting here on Jim's couch, laptop in lap, feet propped up on our shoe box. Every few seconds I get distracted by the music I'm listening to. For some reason it's so much more engaging this morning. I'm wishing I could just have a room, a speaker system to play this music so it could fill all my senses and I could just live it. I want to close my eyes and dance.

My sense of smell has heightened while we've subsisted on our current diet of rice and pasta. I've lost serious weight. I'll feel my skin and I remind myself of Jame Gumb's victims in Silence of the Lambs, starving in the well so their skin is loose enough to be perfect for flaying off of their bodies. Is it bad that I like it?

I slept for hours today and I'm still tired. I didn't get the cuddling I wanted so much...I'm still craving them. I think it's the feeling of safety, I'm craving the sensation of warmth and protection surrounding me. With another woman, it's different. It's more like empathy, and you both sort of wallow in your self-pity together. With a man, it's about comfort in a more anthropological sense. He's the man, and he's there to save you...and you can definitely feel it in the vibe. So maybe that's what I've been wanting so much lately. On the topic of him and smells, with our heightened sense of it, everything we own has been permeated by him. Everything smells like him now, it's like he's still here.

I've been conversing with this guy on MSN lately. I'm honestly stuck at what to do. He has a very good and tempting offer, but honestly I'm afraid I'd feel trapped in it. Obligated. I want to feel free, and be able to do what I want in life, and not be tied down in so many ways. The money is amazing, the opportunity astounding...I just don't know.

I feel really blank to a lot of happenings lately. Oddly...empty. I think I'm blocking it all, like I'm walking in a fog and reality is just out there but I've got the fog so tightly wrapped around me. I'm so, so disappointed about not being able to see Uzume. I'm trying as hard as I can to not think about it so I don't just break down and cry. I feel weak.